I've always dreamed of being a husband, and I have  always been very observant and analytical. As such, I realized at a very early age that being a godly man is not easy, nor is marriage or being a godly spouse and father. I used to listen to Focus on the Family every night and take notes. Then when I got to high school and got a steady job, I would buy books on relationships and spend days on end translating the contents into sentences that I could better understand and relate to. I'd fill up a legal pad half full of notes dissecting the contents of one book. I'd expand on things, I'd argue concepts to myself, I'd cross reference ideas to Bible verses, I'd dream about how all this information would help and equip me in the future.

I've learned from experience now that having head knowledge about relationships does not always make them easier or smoother, nor does it ensure that I will do the right thing or prevent me from doing the wrong things. Either way, I have decided to gradually try and consolidate what remains of the cluster of old notebooks and papers full of ideas and concepts about relationships and love.

I've made a separate blog, because if I stick with this, it is going to be a large blog.

http://lovedoneright.blogspot.com/

Hebrews 3:7-8  gives a stern warning, "The Holy Spirit says, 'Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts, as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the wilderness...'"

Matthew Henry's Commentary teaches about this verse  that "the hardening of the heart is the spring of all other sins." He further goes on to describe the effects of a hardened heart "...once we allow ourselves to distrust God, we may soon desert him." Think a little about the dynamics the Jews had with God in the Old Testament. God was constantly moving in supernatural way, He was continually revealing Himself to His people, and yet, time after time the Jews turned away from God.

If we're honest, at time we're not different than the Jews were. If  we pay attention, the Holy Spirit is constantly speaking to us and challenging our hearts, but it is easy to miss out on or to simply ignore it. God wants to reach right down into our hearts, so we in return can reach out to the world.  God wants to make us uncomfortable so that we learn to rely on Him and so that our faith and testimonies point the world directly to Him. If we start forming the habit of asking God to show us small ways to show people His love, He'll start moving in huge and unimaginable ways. God wants me to reach out and love the world, and He's always communicating ways to do so. His methods will vary, but He's always at work, He's always guiding our path, He's always nudging us to let Him use us to show the world His glory.  And the cool part about it is, God doesn't just use these situations to help others- He uses them to shape us, to heal us, to build us up and edify us, and ultimately, to make us a little more like Jesus.

Being Quick to Listen

I enjoy watching people. It is one of my favorite pastimes.

I generally glance at faces first. I like eyes, so I try to catch a glimpse of them, after all, eyes are the gateway to the soul. That's  not a Biblical statement, but it is a commonly used cliché, and as clichés go, I kind of like it. After the eyes, I  focus on their expression and try to imagine what kind of day they are having. Are they stressed?  Are they happy? Are they in love? Did their family dog just die? Next I  inevitably start filling in the blanks and create a mini story. I script out what kind of life they have lived.  I assign them an age and I examine their face for wrinkles. If wrinkles are there, I ponder if they were earned from intensive labor in the sun or too many hours relaxing at the beach?  Are they a product of years of smiling or maybe a little too much frowning?  Are the creases subtle or prominent? Is their skin  leathery and toughened from age or is soft and delicate?

 From the face, I generally glance down at their shoes. My pastor always said that you can tell a great deal about a person by their shoes. I have come to agree with that statement. You can tell whether they are a sporty type or an outdoorsy type. You can presume whether they are active and athletic. You can sometimes guess what profession they are in, or at least whether they are a professional. Shoe watching is a hobby to be mastered all in itself. If you don't think I am serious, start paying closer attention to people's shoes. Shoe watching is an amazing sociological adventure!

After I've grown bored, I will usually start talking with God about all of the people I just encountered. I will ask Him to move in their lives and draw them to Him. I'll pray for whatever unknown problems might be happening in their lives. Then I'll pray for their families

For a guy who truly enjoys people in just about every capacity and has a propensity to thoroughly analyze them, I have come to learn that I am not always a good listener. I have learned the hard way that one of the simplest methods to show somebody that you love them is to listen to them. I've been blessed to have some wonderful people who modeled  the skill of listening to me, such as my best friend Bryan. Bryan has sat in silence and listened to me intently for hours straight in some of my best as well as some of my worst moments. Honestly, I don't know if  I have ever just sat and actively listened to anybody for that length of time, and Bryan has done it over and over again for me. I know that he loves me for many reasons, but the fact that he makes the effort to listen to me anytime that I need to be heard ranks highly on those list of reasons.

I care about people, I really do. But I can't help but wonder how many people I have offended in my lifetime by being a poor listener?  The book of James tells us to be slow to speak and quick to listen. Some how I managed to get that formula backwards. My natural tendency is to talk much more than I listen.  Talking is not inherently bad, but it is poisonous when  it occurs when silence is necessary and a listening ear is actively being sought. When I care enough about a person to listen to them, I don't have to do anything to show them God's love besides to tame my tongue and to be available to sincerely hear them out.  Dean Rusk, a Former US Secretary of State is noted as having said, " One of the best ways to persuade anyone is with your ears - by listening to them." That statement doesn't just ring true in politics, it has a universal truth that proves true in most circumstances. In the  end of my life, if I want the reputation of being a man who overflowed with Christ's love. I know that I have a great deal of work to do, and one area in major need of adjustment is my listening habits.

Discerning God's Will

How do we come to know God's will? I've grown up hearing that the Bible has all of the answers that I ever need. As indecisive as I can be, I often wish that were the case but it's not an entirely accurate statement. Can I open up the Bible and find the answer as to whether I should buy a Honda, Ford, or Maserati? Will the Bible tell me whether I should become a writer, a doctor, a teacher, or a janitor?  Can I open up the Bible and find out if I am supposed to marry Sally or Samantha? The Bible simply doesn't give an answer for every decision I will have to face, but the Bible does give us wisdom to help us make decisions. And in the gaps, that is where the Holy Spirit comes into play.

Jesus equated His followers to sheep. He  said that the sheep listen to his voice and he calls his sheep by name and leads them (John 10:3) Now that Jesus isn't here on earth, we have the Holy Spirit to help guide us.  That same voice Jesus was talking about in John 10 is available to us through the Holy Spirit.  It takes discipline learning to tune into the Holy Spirit, but God promises to lead and direct us. James 1:5 also assures us that "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." It doesn't say that God might give us wisdom, it assures and promises that He will.

I am learning not to be anxious. I am learning to be patient and persistent in my asking, and I am learning to be still, know that God is in control and listen for His response, because if I ask, He has guaranteed that He will give it.

2 Corinthians 10:5 instructs us to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. This is no easy task and to accomplish it requires not just a reliance upon the Holy Spirit, but it also requires us to take ownership and responsibility for the thoughts that we allow to wander in our minds. When we ask God to help us control our thought lives, He will begin the task of revealing to us areas that do not align with His Word. This often gets ugly, especially when God starts digging into deeply rooted issues which we've been refusing to acknowledge and to turn over to Him.

I've seen both sides of this. I'm not good with filtering my emotions. My emotions often weave a giant web of confusion in my head, but God has been gently and patiently removing what does not conform to  His best for me.  It has not been fun, and I'd be a liar if I said that I haven't tried to fight Him about the disruption I've felt He has been causing me. Once I cry uncle and submit to God, the results are not always instantaneous, but the evidence of the work being done can be seen.

Over the past few years I've struggled with doubts. I've hauled around the heavy burden of resentment, sometimes towards God and sometimes towards people.  I've found myself in denial of obvious realities. I've created problems and blamed others and God for the messes they resulted in.  I've sprinted in the opposite direction from God's voice in ways that make Jonah appear to be obedient. All of these examples came to fruition as a result of not properly identifying and dealing with emotions.

Emotions will lie. In order to conquer emotions  rather  than be conquered by them, we must train to recognize them. We must pay close attention to which ones can overcome us the easiest. We must learn our strong spots and weak spots. We must pay attention to triggers.And more importantly, we must study God's Word and compare if how we are feeling and reacting matches His standards.

If you were transported to The Hundred Acre Wood, the land of Winnie The Pooh, would you rather been roommates with Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, or Eeyore? My guess is that you probably picked anybody but Eeyore. If you did pick Eeyore, you either have a special heart to be around and minister to people who are constantly sad and gloomy, or quite possibly, you yourself are a negative person who wants to be surrounded by other negative people.

The reality is that negative people are difficult to be around. They can be tolerated in moderate doses, but after long their unhappy disposition grows tiresome. Everybody has their moments. In fact, we all even have "those days", but when our spirit is constantly overtaken with the tendency to point out everything that is wrong in the universe, we lose our appeal. We are called to be salt and light to the earth, and if we aren't being salt and light, we aren't doing our jobs as Christians.

God wants us to be happy. He wants us to live a life of celebration. If God wanted us to be somber and super serious all of the time, I doubt that Jesus' first miracle on earth would have been turning water into wine at a wedding. The  custom of the day was to hold a week long feast to celebrate a new marriage. Clearly Jesus was a man who knew how to have a grand time. I'm guessing there was plenty of smiling going on at that celebration, and I'm confident it was because of Jesus' radiant love, not because the guests were buzzed off of his good wine.

So what happens when we as Christians focus on everything that is wrong? Is there a right way to point out wrong? The answer is obviously yes. God did not leave us hanging. He gave us instructions in the Bible and Jesus modeled for us ways to shine light into the darkness. If you have a tendency to start turning over tables all of the time, I would suggest that you familiarize yourself further with the Gospels. There are plenty of reasons to turn tables over, but there are also plenty of alternatives. The context in which Jesus lost his temper in the temple was very specific, so it shouldn't be used in a broad manner to excuse behaving radically and impatiently.

If Jesus were living in America today would he be on Fox News or NBC? Would he be a liberal or a conservative? What kind of vitriol would he spew on those who opposed Him? How would he confront the issues our culture faces? Would He hold a sign up in protest at an abortion clinic? Or would he equip His followers to overflow with such passionate love that they would seek constructive ways to foster relationships with people who do not place the same value on the life of an unborn baby? Would Jesus befriend gays? Would he support legislating matters of the heart, or would He remind us that the Law was futile, and He came to earth to do what the Law could never do and that was to fulfill it once and for all. Would Jesus try and pass laws to collect more taxes to distribute to the poor, or would He embolden the Church to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, take care of the widows and visit the lonely and imprisoned? Many Jews did not see Jesus as the Messiah because they expected the Messiah to be a worldly ruler who fixed centuries of problems in worldly ways. Jesus didn't free the Jews the way they expected. He didn't overthrow the Roman government or start the kind if rebellion many wanted to see. I believe that today, Jesus would say the same things He said 2,000 years ago. He would remind us that what we did for the least of people on earth we did for Him, and He'd all at once be gentle yet firm as He also reminded us that if we love Him we will keep His commands. He'd point out that once we all were sinners in need of His mercy and grace, and that after we receive it, we must  not become self righteous and point fingers; instead, we must do the job that He has assigned us - to love Him, to love others, and go into the world and help to make disciples.

Sometimes I think our motives are pure but end up taking us in the wrong direction. I believe God's Word and I believe sin is sin, but I think we try and do God's job and we do it very poorly. We end up sounding like Eeoyre, pointing out all of the negative, but unlike Eeyore we at least try to change things. But the truth is, it is not our job to change things, at least not the hearts of man. Only God can do that through the Holy Spirit. God might choose to use us, but ultimately it is still only He who can change the heart. When we try to do God's job, we'll always hit a brick wall. It's no wonder non-Christians look at us the way they do. To them we seem like a bunch of frustrated protesters. Of course we are frustrated. We are frustrated because we are trying to do God's job instead of doing what He has instructed us to do.  We're called to love God, love others, and make disciples.  What a waste of time our lives are when we leave out the loving others part! We can't  redefine things and stop labeling sin as sin, but we also can't get an attitude that mimics the Pharisees. If we want to be true reflections of Jesus, it's important that we start behaving like Him. Jesus had no problem correcting the Pharisees. Jesus upset them very much. It's pretty unnerving to think you're holy and have God himself point out that, actually, your heart is hard and far from Him. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and He still wants to point out and change the Pharisee that lurks deeps inside us all.

God's first command is that I love Him with all of my heart, my soul, and my mind and then He commands me to love others. I love God with all of my heart and my soul, and as a habit I don't  struggle with showing love to others. I guess where I stumble is the loving God with all of my mind part. I'm not sure if it a byproduct of ADD, or a demonstration of my stubbornness where my mind causes me to over analyze things and lose faith in God's wisdom and sovereignty.

Throughout my life I have often struggled to believe that God has a specific plan for my life. Part of this struggle finds its root in the fact that I question my ability to hear and discern His will. I don't filter out noises very well, at least not like most people do. I mean that literally, in the sense that while I am out in public, I often hear every single conversation going on around me. I seem to lack the ability to filter out noises without intensely concentrating on doing so, and the problem with doing that is that it results in me not paying attention to the conversation I am involved with because all of my energies are focused on not focusing on every little sound and movement happening in my surroundings. I remember in school how crazy all of the noises would make me feel -  hearing the clock tick, the classmate in the back tapping his foot, the sound of fabric sliding against the chair as the girl next to me slouched over in her seat. There was so much, and my brain was just working overtime trying to take it all in.

As I have aged, I have gotten better at adapting. I have figured out methods to compensate, and frankly, most people would never have a clue that I have to put so much effort into something that most brains tend to do instinctively on their own.

One area that is still a major struggle for me though  is filtering out the static of every day life so that I can hear God. There have been times where I have questioned the foundations of all that I believe because I simply could not decipher God's voice. Sometimes God speaks loudly. Sometimes He speaks in a whisper. Sometimes He gives us a burning bush. Other times He simply leaves subtle clues. Though I still struggle and often lag when it comes to pinpointing what is God's voice and what is simply distracting background noise, I've come to appreciate that God does not always speak in the same form. If God were always obvious and He always spoke to me the same way and came through for me in the same way, then I would easily become complacent in my relationship with Him. The varying ways that God chooses to speak causes me to seek after Him, and the effort I put in strengthens my desire and love for Him.