One time I made a list..a very ugly list

Apparently a few years ago I was having a conversation with a very close chap of mine and he informed that I was angry at God. After finding the list I am about to post, I now recall the conversation quite vividly. I remember how patient he was listening to me. I remember knowing that I was irritate, yet vehemently denying it. I remember feeling as though I was some sort of spiritual leper for having such sentiments, especially knowing that most of the harsh feelings I was having really aimed directly at God Almighty.

At the end of the conversation, it was suggested that I acknowledge what I was feeling  and take it one step further  by writing it down. My friend insisted that I am a good writer and that penning things out would be useful and probably even therapeutic.  I do love to write, but for some reason I have always shied from writing much about my own feelings and emotions. I did not commit to his assignment, mainly because I can be quite stubborn. I don't know how much time passed between the conversation and me writing this list, but eventually I gave in. I think there were multiple pages to this list, but I only found one sheet of paper. Oh, the pitfalls of being disorganized.

The timing of finding this list couldn't be more appropriate. Yesterday I met with a lawyer about the whole being charged with Unlawfully Intercepting Communications situation. I've had a great deal of peace over the past month, even though I rejected a plea deal of nine months in prison and am now waiting for a trial date to be set. That peace supersedes all logic and can only be attributed as being supernatural. Of course I have my moments, and many people get to hear and see me in those ugly  moments, but those moments are usually a result of me processing things and figuring out how to digest them, and those moments have tended to be swift and are shrinking in the frequency in which they arise.

Anyways, yesterday turned my emotions upside down. I have one lawyer telling me he can't make this case go away but he can get charges reduced, and if he can't accomplish that, he can win this for me at trial.. I have another lawyer telling me that I am in big trouble and it appears my fate is sealed. I have another lawyer who agrees with me that a PA Supreme Court  ruling made last year exonerates me of all charges. Yesterdays lawyer seemed to agree with a little bit of every one of those possible outcomes. I am not always a patient man when it comes to results, so the fact that this incident has already been going on for several months, quite honestly, is getting on my nerves. I do not like not having a definitive answer. yesterday just shook me up in a way that I have never been shaken. As I was driving home, my heart began to beat very fast and I started to shake. Then everything got fuzzy. And a few moments later I felt like I couldn't catch my breath and had the sensation that I was choking. Out of all the stressful situations I have gotten myself into, out the countless crazy moments I've found myself in over the years, I'm surprised that my body decided to give me my first )and hopefully last) panic attack yesterday. It was a bad experience, and it frightened me and stressed me out.

I stopped in to talk to my pastor. I was pretty escalated when I first walked into his office, but gradually gained  composure. Through our conversation, I learned that I am not the only person who has ever gotten mad with God. I'm not the only person who, at times, struggles to rein in his emotions. I'm not the only one who has reached a breaking point like that. I'm not sure if I'd consider yesterday a breaking point, but nonetheless, it is a point that I'd never like to revisit.

I think I've gotten off on one of those side streets that I tend to wander onto. My point in all of that rambling was that Pastor reminded me that he deals with a lot of people who find themselves mad or confused at God. I knew I had this list, so I searched for it all morning. Oh, and for those of you who haven't figured it out just yet- My name is Ben Burdick and I am a flawed human who is learning to yield control of his life and let God chisel him away and turn him into a beautiful reflection of Christ.

So here's the list. It's a brutally ugly list. (keep in mind, it was written extemporaneously. I did not filter. I just wrote. This is like Ben's thought sushi. It is quite raw and reading it will be like seeing me emotionally naked. How's that for a thought?) :

I'm mad at God I lost my job

 

I'm mad God didn't stop me from taking a job at Chick-fil-A

 

I'm mad God let me feel peace about leaving a $15/hr job that I loved so I could get fired at Chick-fil-A

 

I'm mad at God Jamie stopped loving me

 

I'm mad God sent Jamie. He knew I was  going to get hurt

 

I'm mad God hasn't answered my prayers

 

I'm mad God doesn't take me seriously

 

I'm mad God let my  landlord from church steal all of my stuff. Why doesn't He make her business fail or make her car blow up like He did mine? Why do bad people get blessed?

 

I'm mad God tells everyone else His plans except for me

 

I'm mad God let Bobby Z [a mechanic] steal $2,000

 

I'm mad that God made me who I am. Why can't my brain like everybody else's?

 

I'm mad grandma died

 

I'm mad God let Mark steal $3,000

 

I'm mad how God made my brain and that everybody says to take pills

 

I'm mad at God my life isn't easier

  

I'm mad God lied to me

 

I'm mad at God for making my life tough

 

I'm mad God let me be a bad boyfriend

 

I'm mad God lets fake Christians be fake

 

I'm mad God blesses fake Christians



 

 

So there's the list.
 

Turns out my friend was right about the being angry stuff, huh? Also turns out that God has blessed me with some really amazing friends. They know me intimately. They put up with me  and teach me what grace is all about. They model patience to my impatient soul. They listen. They see my potential but don't overlook my flaws. And most importantly, they desire to see me be more like Christ, and are willing to speak up and minister to me when speaking up is necessary.

 

Turns out I am also very blessed that I serve a patient God who is more than capable of handling my doubt, even when I some how think that I am socking it to Him by aggressively presenting those doubts to Him. As I read that list, I am actually having a difficult time not laughing. The list isn't really funny, but I guess I find humor in it because I can see what God has done in my life, even as I have blatantly resisted Him for seasons of time.  

 

Life is about perspective. One verse that has been tossed my way a lot over the past three to four years has been 1 Corinthians 13:12 which reminds us,

 

                         ^" In the same way, we can see and understand only a little about God now, as if we were

               peering at his reflection in a poor mirror; but someday we are going to see him in his

                  completeness, face-to-face. Now all that I know is hazy and blurred, but then I will see

                everything clearly, just as clearly as God sees into my heart right now". (Living Bible Translation)

 

 

When I wrote that list, I know I would not have enjoyed hearing that verse. I was too focused on myself.  One thing I am not seeing in that list is anger directed towards the things that hurt God's heart, such as windows and orphans being neglected. Nope, that list was coming from my vantage point and was solely focused on me.

 

It's never fun to lose a job (well, never is a strong word in this case, but I'd say rarely is it fun). It's never pleasant to lose somebody that you love. Being cheated, stolen from, and taken of advantage of certainly isn't something that elicits happy feelings either. But guess what? All of those things, as bad as they seem, are temporary problems.  A few books later in Corinthians Paul reminds us followers of Christ, "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men. But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead. "(1 Corinthians 15:19-20)  If I believe that I serve the risen Christ, my life ought to reflect it. If I am thinking of the temporary, I'm not being Kingdom minded. I will easily be ensnared by worldly thoughts and beliefs and I will fall prey to the beast of self-centeredness. God does not get the glory that He deserves when I forget his sovereignty.

 

Reading Romans 14: 10-12 often sends chills through my body as it is a sobering reminder that one day every knee will bow before God, and that I will stand directly before Him and give account for my life. I don't fully understand how that day will look for myself and others, but that day will come for every human. The  chills that verse gives me aren't out of fear, because I know that God's work was completed on the cross. I don't fear eternity. In fact, I really look forward to it, because  I believe there is a reward in store for God's faithful. Plus, it is  likely that most of the questions that have plagued me will never fully be answered in this life. I'm looking forward to seeing through the glass more clearly, and I'm also looking forward to enjoying life to its fullest and growing day by day so that I don't allow my finite views of this life to be tainted, and my precious days to go by wasted.

 

There's a  series of questions that I am training myself to ask when negative thoughts start crawling out from the catacombs of my mind.

 

• Can I control this situation ?
• Am I trusting God to use this situation?
• Am I bowing down to God or trying to get God to bow down to me?